Does it Matter?

      Sometimes I feel like writing. Then I start to think about the process of writing and I get stalled. "Who am I writing for?"  "What am I going to say?",  and "Is what I'm going to say interesting?" are all questions that stall me. The question I feel I should be asking is "Does it matter?" If I feel like writing I should write. 

      This is something kids are really good at doing. Kids are full of wonder, curiosity and openness. (Most)Kids don't take other people's reactions into consideration when they decide to do something, they just do it. As adults, we try to teach them about socially acceptable behaviors and unwritten rules of society to save them from the anguish that being "the weird one" in school/work/sports. At the same time however, kids are sacrificing instinctual, unadulterated joy and enthusiasm with which they approach life. This makes me sadder than words can express. 

     Maybe the grown ups in the world should take a lesson from their younger selves and worry about what makes them happy.

Ch... ch... ch... changes

               Recently, I thought I had things under control. I was filled with a sense of optimism and determination. That lasted all of a week before I was back to old habits. I'm never sure what triggers these bouts of productivity and their subsequent disappearing act. However, one thing I AM sure of is that I've been going through this cycle for far too long. It is far too easy for me to give in and do what is comfortable instead of doing what is necessary. And as much as I know intellectually that this is self-destructive behavior I can't stop it.
              I've never been good at asking for help. I know that part of the reason for this is that, as a kid I always had to be the responsible one. Never mind that I'm damn near the youngest one in my family. Never mind that I've inherited a whole lot of anxious tendencies from my mom or that I grew up with contradicting messages about "appropriate" behavior for women. I had to do it all and was made to feel guilty when I didn't. It's only in the past 5 years that I've come to realize how much this has truly affected me.
           One would think that since I realized this I would be able to change on my own. Yeah....right. I know I need support to change. I also know that I'm uncomfortable with getting the help I need. I'm afraid of failing to change. I'm afraid that the support won't truly be there. Too many times I've hoped for support from those closest to me. Too many times I've asked for support and been let down. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of feeling inadequate and not worthy of people's time and resources. Logically, I know I'm exaggerating but damned if it doesn't FEEL real.
         I'm stuck in my own Cathch-22. I need help accepting help but I can't do it unless I take the first step and ask for help. Essentially, I'm fucked.  

Reader but not a writer

          I've always found it funny how , even though I LOVE reading, I am a horrible writer. Yes, I can write eloquently when the need arises but the process is so difficult that I end up staring at a blank page for 30 minutes before getting frustrated and pounding out an above average piece of work in 10 minutes. If I'm completely honest with myself though, that's how most things in my life are. I am a procrastinator.

          Anyone that knows me knows that I have strong opinions. (Anyone who knows me also knows this is a huge understatement.) Sometimes when I am asked for my opinion on something I explain it in a very disjointed manner. I feel like I have many ideas and reasons for my opinions but that I cannot explain them directly. I have to explain one concept so that my main concept makes sense. Somehow I know that this and my lack of creative writing ability are tied together. I'm not sure how but the link is there.

          Sometimes I wonder if it isn't all just related to this anxiety I have around uncertainty.
                                   

090713- Despite all the shitty things that have happened in my life I still feel optimistic about my future. My present is pretty awesome too. I have 2 jobs I love, an amazing boyfriend, and no need to worry about the basics of life.

090613- I just reviewed my previous blog and I have made a resolution never to sound like that again. I suppose it goes well with my theory about some posts from the past being cringe-worthy. On the flip side, it reminded of exactly how I was feeling during certain moments in my past. I really like having that reminder about the wonderful experiences I've had and people I've met.

       In the 5 years since I last posted many significant things have happened in my life. I feel like reflecting on the more significant events for a moment.

       In August '08 my partner of 3 and a half years broke up with me. We spent the next 2 years redefining our relationship and getting to rebuild some trust. Then in Jul '10 I met my current partner and all the relationship building with my ex flew out the window...or something like that. The ex decided he couldn't handle seeing me with someone else and that he needed time to decide what he was going to do. I've seen my ex once since then, at a mutual friend's going away party. I have moved on with my life and I know he is struggling to do so with his. It makes me sad for him because he is a great guy and deserves to be happy and explore all that life has to offer. Truth be told it is slightly flattering that I would have held such a significant role in someone's life but it's also kind of weird.  People are generally able to acknowledge how significant a certain person/place/event was in their lives and then grieve over its loss and move on. I know it's not easy and everyone has their own timeline but I feel like there can be a point where this process takes "too long" to be healthy. Especially if this is barring you from making new memories with other people.
     
      In January '12 my 18 year old nephew was murdered. He was the first significant person in my life to die. My Grandpa died when I was in high school and though I felt sadness for my dad and his family's loss I couldn't feel the loss personally, as I had never really known my Grandpa (Tata). My nephew on the other hand, had grown up with me (we were only 6 years apart) and been a part of my life until I moved to college. Right before his death we started to get closer and realize we has things in common now that he was a young adult instead of just my little nephew. I regret not spending more time with him when he was visint up here and I wish I was a better aunt to him. I forgive myself in some measure since 6 years isn't a huge difference and we were more like peers for a while with me and my sister more pretending to be aunts than actually being aunts.  

      In August '12 my current partner and I almost broke up. It wasn't a clear cut I-don't-want-to-be-with-you-anymore-so let's-break-up moment either. It was a two week long state of purgatory which started based on a conversation about various issues coming up for him. As hellish as that period was for us it showed us that we really could talk to our problems and work toward a solution together. It was incredibly difficult for both of us, as we both have trouble talking about our wants/needs/desires but we did it. Right around the same time my partner acknowledged he was struggling with depression. It had been in the back of his head for a while, as evidenced but the numerous questions about interventions for depression, but when he finally admitted it he was very pro-active about getting help. We have learned a lot about each other since we've been on this journey together. Working in the mental health field did not prepare me for dealing with a partner who has mental health needs. Hell, my own mental health needs did not prepare me for dealing with his.

Those are probably the top three major events in my life since I last blogged. For better or worse these things have shaped who I am now and I'm thankful for it, even if some of it was hellish to go through.

090413- I've been wanting to blog again for a while. Mostly to sort out thoughts or express good feelings I'm having in the moment. I figure if I have a little sketch of my life in my mid-20's I can look back on it in my mid-30's and have a laugh, rediscover myself and perhaps a couple of cringe-worthy moments.


This first entry is merely a post to remind myself why I am posting. Also, I'm at work and about to leave in 10 minutes so I don't have time for a proper post. :-P