Recently, I thought I had things under control. I was filled with a sense of optimism and determination. That lasted all of a week before I was back to old habits. I'm never sure what triggers these bouts of productivity and their subsequent disappearing act. However, one thing I AM sure of is that I've been going through this cycle for far too long. It is far too easy for me to give in and do what is comfortable instead of doing what is necessary. And as much as I know intellectually that this is self-destructive behavior I can't stop it.
I've never been good at asking for help. I know that part of the reason for this is that, as a kid I always had to be the responsible one. Never mind that I'm damn near the youngest one in my family. Never mind that I've inherited a whole lot of anxious tendencies from my mom or that I grew up with contradicting messages about "appropriate" behavior for women. I had to do it all and was made to feel guilty when I didn't. It's only in the past 5 years that I've come to realize how much this has truly affected me.
One would think that since I realized this I would be able to change on my own. Yeah....right. I know I need support to change. I also know that I'm uncomfortable with getting the help I need. I'm afraid of failing to change. I'm afraid that the support won't truly be there. Too many times I've hoped for support from those closest to me. Too many times I've asked for support and been let down. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of feeling inadequate and not worthy of people's time and resources. Logically, I know I'm exaggerating but damned if it doesn't FEEL real.
I'm stuck in my own Cathch-22. I need help accepting help but I can't do it unless I take the first step and ask for help. Essentially, I'm fucked.
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